Longing to Breathe
by LaraWinner
Summary: Bella POV, AU and AH. A fresh start was what college freshman Bella Swan thought she needed. But after finding a kindred spirit in housemate Edward Cullen, Bella learns that while you can't change the past, your future is what you choose to make it.
1. Stranger in a Strange Place

Longing to Breathe

By Lara

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. However I do like to borrow Stephenie's imaginary friends and play with them too. (especially Jasper)

A.N. - This is an AU fic where all characters are human. I'm giving fair warning now that in later chapters this story will contain language and mature themes: sexual situations, suicide, drug use, violence and some major angst in specific scenes. Despite that this isn't going to be a total depression trip but you should read at your own discretion.

* * *

The most prominent thing I notice bout my new home is the humid heat. Even with the windows rolled down, the cab ride from Armstrong International airport was stuffy and moist. I could swear I was breathing in more water than air.

The heat I was used to. I spent the better part of my childhood living in Phoenix Arizona surrounded by dessert under the baking rays of the sun. I could handle dry heat, it was the humidity that I was finding downright uncomfortable.

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of my neck. Even having my heavy hair pulled up in a messy bun wasn't cooling me down. It irked me to admit that I was actually going to miss the rainy town of Forks, a small inconsequential place nestled in the Olympic peninsula where I've spent the last four years living with my dad Charlie. Even though Forks was water logged too, at least the temperature wasn't a sweltering one hundred and two degrees in mid August.

I sucked it up and focused on watching the unfamiliar scenery passing by outside the window. The twenty minute drive from the airport to uptown New Orleans was an interesting hodge-podge of old and new. The closer I got to the Tulane University campus I found myself charmed by the large Victorian style homes.

I'm pulled out of my musings as the cab driver pulls to a stop before a nondescript two story house with a wide sweeping porch and a badly needed paint job. Its hardly run down looking but it is obvious that this house is not maintained by a private owner. The address is stenciled in black paint along the front facing of the top step, which is at eye-level as I step from the car.

I glance down at the paper containing all my off campus housing information. 705 Broadway. I look up again as the fluttering of excited anxiety that has been with me all morning turns into gut wrenching nervousness. For a split second I whish I had taken Charlie up on his offer the see me settled in.

He'd looked at me from across the kitchen table with a worried expression as I'd explained that this was something I needed to do on my own. This was my first real taste of independence since the accident and I had to become completely self sufficient at some point right?

"Bells you don't have to prove anything to me. If I didn't think you were capable of this then I would never agreed to let you go to college half way across the country. I bet they'll be lots of parents making sure their kid gets settled in alright."

"Dad really, its fine." I said with tight smile, trying not to dwell on the plural parents. "Besides you can't afford to miss any more work this year. I mean with Harry Clearwater's death last April and all that time you took off to help out Sue and then the days you miss for all… my doc… doctor visits, really Dad. I can handle this." I insisted, proud that only stumbled on the word doctor once.

He'd tried to convince me to change my mind right up until our subdued goodbyes. I'd hugged him trying not to cry. He'd cleared his throat gruffly and forced a grin.

"And you're absolutely sure about going it alone?" He asked even though he knew it was too late to do anything about it. Of course this is my dad and I don't doubt that he would've tried to stowaway on the plane if I'd have asked him to.

"Yes I'm sure. Love you Dad." I said as I hugged him tightly.

"Love you too. Take care Bells. Call me when you get in okay."

And that was the image I took with me on the flight from Washington to Louisiana, my dad standing awkwardly in the terminal with his hands in his pockets and an ambivalent expression on his face.

Damn I miss him already.

"Hey kid I ain't got all day. Where do you want this stuff?" The cab driver barks at me from the direction of the trunk.

I turn and take a step toward him biting my lip as pain flares across my right hip. I should be used to it by now. It always hurts after I've been sitting still for too long. Ignoring the pain, something that I'm usually good at, I move toward the back of the car slowly, a slight limp obvious in my gait.

"You can set them here. How much do I owe you?" I ask as he takes my duffle bag, laptop case and two small suitcases from the trunk and sets them on the ground at my feet.

"Fifty dollars."

I hand him three twenties. "Thanks."

He flashes me a toothy smile and nods his head. "Good luck kid."

Good luck? Yeah, I am so going to need it.

I awkwardly sling the duffle bag over my left shoulder and then try to pick up my suitcases without toppling over under their surprising weight. The pain comes back viscously radiating from my hip to my lower back as I bend down. Gritting my teeth against it I manage to get the to two suitcases but my laptop case tips over in the process. I let go of one suit case to reach for my lap top and my duffle bag shifts forward knocking the suitcase over as well.

"Stupid baggage." I mutter sorely tempted to give both offending items a good hard kick.

Just then the front door opens and both a guy and girl emerge, the girl talking animatedly. Her chirpy voice comes to a halt as they both notice me at the end of the walkway loaded down with luggage.

The girl smiles brightly and rushes over, her pixy face alight with curiosity. "Hello. Do you need a hand?"

"Sure." I can't help returning her infectious grin. I'm relieved that she seems friendly.

She takes one of my suitcases while the boy, who followed at a more sedate pace, takes my lap top and my other suitcase. He smiles shyly, his round cheeks reddening slightly beneath his thick glasses.

The girl begins talking again, bubbly and excited as we follow her up the walk. "I take it your our new roomie. Are you Isabella or Angela? They said we were getting two new faces this year since Eric graduated and Lauren… well, I heard she couldn't keep her average up but who's to say. She was only with us for a semester and a half."

"The longest semester and a half of my life." The boy sighs, speaking for the first time. The tiny girl laughs with a voice that sounds like wind chimes.

I have no idea who these people are or who they are talking about and yet already I feel my awkwardness easing by painless degrees. "I'm Isabella Swan, but everyone calls me Bella."

"Its very nice to meet you Bella." The girl says graciously. "I'm Alice Brandon and this is Benjamin Cheney."

"Ben." The boy corrects with a wider smile this time.

Alice continues on uninterrupted. "Please make yourself at home Bella. We're all fairly easy to live with in this house. They'll be five of us total. Each of us has a bedroom. There is a half bath downstairs and two full bathrooms upstairs. Don't worry, its one for the girls and one for the guys. They won't set foot in our bathroom under penalty of death." She chuckles ominously.

She dissuaded my concern before I even had the chance to grimace.

As we enter into the house I notice that the inside is far different from what I was expecting. The bottom floor is converted into an open kitchen and living room combination. While its obvious the furniture is standard issue, a feminine hand has definitely added a touch here and there with fresh flowers, pretty curtains and a few funky throw pillows for the large sofa and two loveseats.

"Okay first come first choice. There's one bedroom here on the bottom floor and there is one open upstairs. Which would you rather?" Alice asks.

This is a no brainer. "Downstairs."

Alice and Ben duck into a small hallway tucked neatly underneath the slanting staircase. Even I can detect the texture change in the walls and flooring where this area must have been added on to the house recently. There are two doors across from one another. They lead me through the one on the left.

"This is going to be your room. May as well make yourself at home." Alice says with a flourish. As I put my bag down Alice places her hands on her hips and gives my small bit of personal space a grim once over. "Did they explain the housing process to you?" she asks absently.

"Kind of. I know its completely paid for by the scholarship." I shrug.

"It is. But that's not what I was referring to. Its actually a very convenient set up. As long as you attend Tulane and keep within the scholarship requirements this will be your permanent residency for the duration of your undergrad program. This will be my third year here. Its Ben's second. Its great because won't have to deal with the hassle of being reassigned to another unit every year."

Alice pins me with a chessire grin. "That means I can help you decorate… elaborately."

Ben chuckles nervously. "Well you ladies have fun. I still have clothes to finish unpacking. It was very nice to meet you Bella. Later Alice."

He disappears so quickly it leaves me and Alice blinking in unison. Then she giggles, a sweet girlish sound, and I find myself laughing right along with her knowing with a rare kind of certainty that we are going the be great friends.

* * *

Angela Weber arrived shortly after I did. Alice made sure that her induction to the house was as painless as possible. I'm surprised by how very much I like both Alice and Angela instantly. Where Alice is a bold and outgoing Angela is far more like me, quiet and reserved. It doesn't seem to bother Alice at all.

It's later in the afternoon and we've just returned from a girls trip to Wal-Mart to get the essentials that we didn't carry along from home.

While shopping Alice told us that she is going for a major in art and is from Biloxi Mississippi. Her parents are both junior high teachers and her younger sister Cynthia is senior in high school. The scholarship was her only chance to attend a college of this caliber and it helped that she was only an hour and a half away from her family.

Angela on the other hand is majoring in medicine and is from Branson Missouri. She was desperate for a change from the small tourist town and the ever watchful eyes of her father, the minister. Being an only child, she was eager for that first taste of independence.

And in turn I told them my insignificant life story. I'm majoring in English and lived with my dad in the most sunless place on earth. As if that wasn't tragic enough try having a dad that is the town sheriff and then see what kind of social life you get out of that equation.

Now back at the house we're sitting around the kitchen table each of us nursing a pint of Hagen Das as Alice fills us in on the campus scoop.

"Since we live within six blocks of campus this area is sort the middle ground for a lot of students. There's a fraternity house just down the street. There is always a party going on somewhere practically every weekend if your into that sort of thing. The Phi Gamma Delta frat house is notorious for throwing the best parties hands down." Alice's blue eyes sparkle as she admits, "But then I am biased because that's my boyfriend Jasper's fraternity."

"Boyfriend. Hmmm." I say as I nudge Angela with my elbow. "She should dish out the details right?"

Angela smiles sweetly. "Definitely."

Alice laughs her whole expression going from bright to megawatt in a nano-second. "Okay, this is the rundown. When I say my man is hot I mean he is HOT. Blond hair, the sexiest baby blue eyes and body out of this world. But that's not the half of it. I swear I've snagged the last southern gentleman out there. He opens doors for me, buys me flowers, will text me out of the blue just to say I love you… he treats me like I'm a goddess or something. And his Texan drawl is to die for."

I can tell just by the look on her face that she's in love. I share a knowing look with Angela. "She's got it bad."

"I'd say." Angela agrees.

The more Alice gushes about her perfect boyfriend I feel old memories trying to resurface, ones that I can't confront and expect to keep a smile plastered on my face. And that's when reality rushes in with brutal efficiency disrupting my small measure of contentedness from my great afternoon with these wonderful girls. I feel the familiar melancholy take hold and it becomes an effort to keep my smile light and my tone bubbly.

_This is why you came so far away from Phoenix and Forks… and La Push. Away from everything that is only an echo of a happier time. So you could make new memories and create a new chapter of happiness. Don't fuck it up!_

Thinking of Forks I suddenly remember I completely forgot to call Charlie. I never took my cell phone out of my duffle bag. I know he's probably called a dozen times already.

"Crap! I forgot to call my Dad! I'll be right back!" I exclaim, pushing away from the table abruptly and bolting for my room.

As I rounded the corner to the hall behind the stairs, what I didn't plan on was the warm body that crashed into mine as it rounded the corner toward me just as quickly. It happened in a slit second it seemed. I ran into a brick wall and I stumbled back, my right hip pulling painfully as I lost my already precarious balance and tumbled backward onto my rear end. That in itself wouldn't have been so bad if the guy- and it was a guy and not a brick wall despite what it felt like- hadn't reached for me trying to stop my fall. It was a belated reaction and he wasn't expecting my dead weight so when I latched onto his arm I managed to pull him down right on top of me.

The air rushed out of my lungs with a woosh as his chest landed hard against mine. His elbow jammed right against my ribcage. I already knew that was going to leave a bruise. I gnashed my teeth to keep from crying out as his weight created even more pressure against my hip bone.

Almost instantly he lifts himself off of me but I keep my eyes closed between the combination of pain and trying to draw in a breath. My face must be plum purple with mortification.

"Are you alright?" The brick wall asks and I can't tell if his tone is concerned or annoyed.

As soon as the pain eases I nod my head and slowly look up only to find the most mesmerizing green eyes staring down at me. For the length of two heartbeats that gaze doesn't shift from mine. I literally forget to breathe.

Then in the blink of an eye he's back on his feet and holding his hand out to me. "Here."

I'm still befuddled as I stare at him.

He is… beautiful. I can't think of a better word. His face is classically sculptured, like I'm looking at a living breathing creation of one of the renaissance masters. His full lips are set in an impatient line and his expression can only be described as stern. His hair is shiny bronze and tousled into complete disarray. There's a hint of stubble along his jaw and his emerald eyes have delicate shadows beneath them, as if he were suffering from a sleepless night or two.

I blink. He is still just as stunning. I blink again.

He mouth twists mockingly. "Do you plan on getting up off the floor or should I leave you to your incoherency?"

I didn't think it was possible to blush any deeper but I'm proven wrong as a fresh wave of heat warms my cheeks. I quickly accept his offered hand and try not to wince as he helps me up. "Thanks."

The minute I'm standing the pain in my hip starts throbbing. I think it was the soft way I hissed my gratitude that gave me away.

His tone is a touch less condescending as he asks again, "Are you certain you're alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Look I'm really sorry about this. I'm a terrible klutz but I don't usually have any casualties besides myself." I joke lamely hoping to assuage some of his annoyance. I'm too humiliated to be angry at his snooty attitude. I try to maintain as much dignity as possible by standing still. I nonchalantly slip my hand into the pocket of my jeans to discreetly rub my aching hip.

One corner of his lips quirk in what I'm guessing is his version of a smile. "Thanks for the warning. Perhaps I'll invest in body armor just to be safe in the future."

"Very funny." I grumble wishing he would go on his way. I absolutely refuse to humiliate myself any further in front of him by hobbling to my room. I look ridiculous enough when I walk with my embarrassing limp. The pain however, is something else entirely. I really need to sit down.

My annoyance seems to amuse him. "I take it your room is the one across from mine. Do you think you can make it that far without assistance?"

"I think I can manage." I say crossly as I glower at this arrogant stranger with the handsome face. I try not to sound too desperate as I urge him to go. "I'm sure you have more important things to do. Don't let me keep you."

He chuckles dryly and to my relief he walks away without looking back.

I hold on to the wall for support as I limp to my assigned bedroom. I glance at the closed door across the hall and roll my eyes. It's a relief on the pressure in my pelvic area to sit on my bed as I rummage through my duffle bag for my cell phone. After I give my hands a moment to stop shaking I check my phone and sure enough there are nine missed calls all from Charlie.

I dial the familiar number and my throat feels tight as I hear his homey voice. "Bella! Where the hell have you been?"

"Sorry. I meant to call you but its just been one thing after another, you know meeting my roommates and then making a run to the store for a few things and getting the feel of the place. Its alright." I say thickly.

"Bells you okay? You sound funny?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah. I didn't expect to get homesick this soon." I laugh halfheartedly.

"You can always come back. I call the airlines right now-"

"Dad." I sigh. "You know I can't do that. I've have to give this a chance first."

"I know. I know."

We talk a few more moments before I finally hang up the phone. I toss it on the bed behind me reminding myself that Charlie is only a phone call away should I need him. I can do this. I have to.

Gingerly I stand up, relieved when the pain is closer to it s normal, mildly irritating ache. I walk over to the full length mirror that is attached to the wall right beside the closet door. My nose wrinkles as I take in my mousy hair still pulled back in the loose twist. I'm wearing my favorite navy blue t-shirt, its baggy and faded but oh so comfortable. My cheeks are still blotched with rosebuds of color and my muddy brown eyes look pained.

Hardly glamorous. Certainly worthy of the derision of my handsome housemate. I sigh in disgust and start to turn away but then I remember his hard elbow against my ribs and I curiously raise my shirt to inspect the damage. A faint red patch marks the spot and as I poke it, it twinges slightly. Yet another bruise to add to my collection.

I lower my shirt but not before the mirror reflects something I don't really want to see. The slash of puckered skin, still a fleshy pink tone peeking out the top of my jeans just above my right hip. I can picture by perfected memory every ridge and bump of the scar tissue as it drags down over my oddly misshapen hip bone and down toward the middle of my abdomen.

I drop the hem of my shirt letting it fall over the unpleasant sight. I'm going to ask Ben if he can remove the mirror as soon as possible.

With a wry smile I realize that I never asked green eyes his name. He didn't ask for mine either. I take a deep breath and remind myself that the less I know about him the better.

* * *

A.N. - Well how is that to a interesting start? This fic is going to be dark at times and will eventually deal with heavy subject matter. And of course there will be sex later on too. Just making sure everyone is adequately warned.

I'll be updating this story and "Sex and Candy as often as possible. I have the plot mostly worked out so it shouldn't give me too much trouble.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


	2. Treading Water

Longing to Breathe

By Lara

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. However I do like to borrow Stephenie's imaginary friends and play with them too. (especially Jasper)

A.N. - This is an AU fic where all characters are human. I'm giving fair warning now that in later chapters this story will contain language and mature themes: sexual situations, suicide, drug use, violence and some major angst in specific scenes. Despite that this isn't going to be a total depression trip but you should read at your own discretion.

* * *

It was ridiculously easy to fall into a comfortable routine with my new housemates. Breakfast was usually an everybody for themselves since only Angela and I had eight o'clock classes. Ben's first class began at ten o'clock but Alice got to sleep till noon, the lucky little brat. And Edward… well he tended to do his own thing no matter what.

I was standing at the kitchen counter munching on a pop tart when I heard someone enter behind me. It was Edward. I still preferred to think of him green eyes though.

I watched as he rummaged through the fridge exclaiming a soft "ah ha" as he found his milk and proceeded to drink straight from the carton. Typical male. There's a cabinet full of glassware not two feet away… I shook my head. Boys will be boys I suppose.

He finally notices I'm watching him. He lowers the milk carton and does his little smile-that's-not-really-a-smile-at-all thing and says, "Morning."

I snicker at his milk mustache and hold out the untouched half of my breakfast. "Pop Tart?" I offer.

"No thank you." He returns the milk to the fridge, wipes the milk away with the back of his hand and then breezes out the front door.

I shake my head as he departs still as mystified by him as ever. It's only been three weeks since our first embarrassing encounter. Since then I have run into green eyes at least once a day, it's bound to happen since my bedroom is right across the hall from his. I've learned to accept that Edward is not snooty like I originally thought. He made a better impression on our second encounter.

It was day after our first meeting and I was just finishing up putting all my things away in my room. I was pleased to know I had a book shelf because my books will always be something infinitely precious to me. Knowing that once classes started the following morning my leisure reading would be minimal at best, I spied my tattered and badly worn copy of Jane Eyre. I flopped down on the end of my bed forgetting that I had left the door wide open. I was engrossed reading even though I knew the words that would come next when there was a light rapping sound.

I looked up startled and like the first time, Edward's beauty stunned me. He leaned nonchalantly against the door frame, arms folded and his lips quirked. I couldn't say he looked sheepish per se but something in manner alluded to it.

I set the book down and smiled politely. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to ask if it would disturb you if I were to play my cello. The house is rarely completely empty at any one time, as you'll soon find out, but if it is a problem I can wait for another time."

"No it won't bother me at all." I assured him warmly. I had not pegged him to be the considerate type.

After a moment Edward made no move to leave, yet he made no move enter my room either. He merely remained by the door as he tilted his head curiously. "What are your reading, if you don't mind me asking?"

I lifted the book in question and turned it to where cover was facing his direction. My lips curled in a self-conscious smile. "Jane Eyre. It's one of my favorites."

He seemed to ponder my choice for a moment. "Certainly Miss Eyre and Mr. Rochester are no Miss Bennett and Mr. Darcy but their tale does have a certain cryptic charm, wouldn't agree?" Edward finally responded. I couldn't be sure he wasn't mocking me, though it didn't seem like it.

I was surprised he was familiar with Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte. I certainly hadn't expected that but perhaps I wasn't giving him enough credit.

"Do you read many of the classics?" I asked hoping the question didn't come across as snide. I hadn't meant for it to.

A lovely little crease developed in his brow as he answered. "Yes. Though my tastes run more toward Poe and Byron and the like." Before I can elaborate this further he begins to turn away.

"Wait one moment." I said to his retreating back as I rose from the bed quickly. Too quickly. I sucked in a sharp little breath at the familiar pain but ignored it as I walked toward him. He had turned back around and I saw his glittering eyes dip ever so quickly to my limping gait and then back up to my face, so quickly in fact I wasn't sure if I imagined it.

I held out my hand toward him. "I'm Bella Swan. I should have introduced myself yesterday. I was a little distracted." I laughed awkwardly as my cheeks flamed.

"Edward Cullen." He replied softly, not looking away from my eyes as he took my hand in his larger one. His grip was firm but gentle. His skin was deliciously warm.

Something tingled deep in my stomach and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his.

And then he released me from his hold and returned to his room across the hall closing the door behind him. I spent the rest of the evening trying not to think about what I had felt or what it could possibly mean while reading my book. And hours had passed as the hunting melody of the cello drifted to me from Edward's room.

Since that day we've had similar conversations. I guess you could call them conversations though they never last long. He will come along or I will narrowly avoid walking into him- I'm beginning to wonder if he's a Bella magnet- and more often than not he'll ask me a question that is so random I can not help but answer. One will lead to another and so on until I ask a question of my own. As soon as I get an answer out of him that is when he continues on his way leaving me shaking my head to the meaning of it all.

Edward Cullen is an enigma. I try to tell myself that is all. Just a mystery that I want to get to the bottom of and nothing more. I tell myself that is why I can't take my eyes off of him when he enters the room. And that's why I think about him nearly constantly when I am alone.

And I might have been able to believe that if I didn't catch him watching me sometimes too. It's not that creepy stalker kind of watching that makes the hairs on the back of your neck rise. This is different. I know when he's looking and its like my eyes are then automatically drawn to him. Then he looks away and that's all. But in the brief moment before he looks away I'm not sure what I read in his stare.

I sigh to myself in frustration and toss the other uneaten pop tart into the trash. I look at the clock and realize that if I don't put green eyes out of my mind and leave now I'll be late for my next lecture.

It's the making of another routine, only this one is not so comfortable.

* * *

The next evening it's just me at the house. Ben is meeting with his drama club as he's done every Sunday night since the start of the semester. Angela is meeting up with a girl from one of her classes for coffee. Alice has been gone all day, I suspect there was a mall calling her name. And Edward… he's is not here either. It unnerves me that I'm beginning to notice a pattern to his evening absences.

The one day when I could use the distraction of my house mates, I find myself completely alone.

Today is September 13, my birthday.

I hate birthdays because they remind me of my mom. It's hard enough thinking of her on a normal day but on my birthday its even worse. Even though its been nearly five years since she lost her battle with cancer I still miss her so much. Usually I can think of her without crying. But not today. Birthdays do that to me, hers and mine.

I cried myself out all morning. I suffered through the phone call from Charlie, listened to him say how proud my mom would be to know that I'm in college doing just fine on my own. That sent into a whole new round tears.

But after a while I pulled myself together and now I'm comfortably sprawled across my bed working on my English assignment and trying desperately to remain focused when there's knock at my door.

"Come in!" I call.

Alice breezes into my room with two armloads of shopping bags.

"Put that away." She orders briskly. "There is plenty of time to do homework later."

"Alice… what is _that_?"

She takes in my horrified expression and her eyes shift down to the various bags at her feet. "I went shopping obviously."

I roll my eyes. "I meant why?

She smiles practically bouncing with excitement. "Happy Birthday Bella!"

I'm taken back. I wasn't aware she knew. My throat stings and for a second I'm afraid I'm going to start blubbering again. While I do hate having to face my birthday, the sentiment behind her gesture is really sweet. "Alice you didn't have to buy me anything." I say softly.

"I wanted to." she laughs. "And I look for any excuse to shop."

A feeling of unease fills me a I search the variety of bags looking for store names.

"So, I was thinking," Alice begins and I swallow hard, "you are due for a few new additions to your wardrobe. Since I was out and about I took the liberty of picking out three nice outfits."

"Umm, Alice…" I cautioned weakly, feeling my stomach twist uncomfortably and my hands begin to tremble.

The look on my face must have betrayed more than just discomfort because Alice frowns trying to make sense of my reaction. "Bella its okay. It's not like I spent a fortune or anything. I am the queen of discount racks. And if they don't fit I can always return them. I did have to guess at your size though. You're a two right?"

I make motions for Alice to stop babbling knowing I am going to have to explain why I can't wear the things she's bought. My hands are outright shaking now and even thought I know she won't laugh at me or even think less of me for not being normal, I still loathe with every cell of my being to have to expose myself like this.

"I know you mean well but… see I don't like to wear tight fitting clothes-"

Alice puts her hands on her hips impatiently, cutting me off before I can explain further.

"Bella. Honey. You wear the same shapeless clothing everyday. No guy is ever going to notice you if you don't do something to accentuate your pretty face and sultry eyes." At that I make a face and Alice glares back. "Trust me, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I can turn you from faded into fabulous. Just wait till you see what I bought."

_Sultry eyes? That's a good one Alice._

"No, I'm serious Alice. I can't accept the clothes." I insist, desperation making tone shaper than I intended.

Her pixy face is crestfallen as she asks, "Why not?"

"I'll show you." I hiss, stiffly maneuvering into a keeling position on the bed. I can't lift my gaze from my purple sheets as raise my shirt. My hands are unsteady as I tug the waist band of my sweat pants down over my right hip.

The worst part of my scar is hidden underneath my granny underwear but the odd shape of my hip is obvious. While the left side of my waist dips in naturally and curves out gently, my right side is uneven. There is no smooth sloping, instead its flat and almost angular.

"I was in a real bad car accident two years ago." I explain.

When Alice still doesn't comment I glance up unsure what reaction to expect. She's nibbling on her lip, her head cocked slightly deep in thought. I rearrange my clothes and flop down unsure if I should feel embarrassed or worried. Then I decide its impossible not to feel both.

Finally Alice smiles wryly. "I can make this work for you. Trust me."

Famous last words. The foreshadowing of doom. Nothing good ever happens when your friends feel the need to say 'trust me'. I grimace.

"Of course, you know what this means?" Alice's smile turns gleefully devilish. "No more hiding behind those awful sweat pants."

I fall back on the mattress and cover my face with my hands." I thought you were my friend." I whine pitifully.

"I am. Its called tough love sweetie. And as your friend I can not in good conscience let you wallow in your insecurities. Now sit up. You need to see what I bought you."

I bristle at the truth of her words. The only thing stopping me from getting truly angry is that I know she's right. But I am a little miffed. I'm scared. I don't want this.

"I refuse to be a spectacle. I don't want any unnecessary attention Alice. Besides, what makes you think I give a rat's ass what people think of me?" I grumble.

"Bella, " she sighs tolerantly, "People dress according to their self perception. But sometimes we don't see ourselves clearly at all. Take Ben for example, he's studious yet fun loving. His personal style reflects that with an abundance of khakis and polo shirts and the fact that he'd rather wear glasses than get contacts."

Alice's countenance takes a speculative turn, "Take Edward. He's a deep, reflective and intense person. You'll never see him wearing something as flirty and casual as shorts and flip flops. That's why he gravitates toward rich colors like deep brown, blue, grey and black. But of course you've noticed. It's hard not to." She says shrewdly.

I try to feign ignorance and act is if I'm not hanging onto every word she's just said. Forget clothing, I'm far more interested in hearing about Edward Cullen. But I'm equally as sure that my attempt was a wasted effort. Its confirmed when Alice giggles and I bush ten shades of red.

She comes over and sits beside me, her gaze slanting at me through the corner of her eye. "He is a handsome devil, isn't he?"

I shrug.

"Come on Bella. I'm not blind. I've seen the way you ogle him. Don't worry though, you'd have to be dead not to." She teases.

"I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate it." I reply. It was obvious I was fishing for more information and Alice beamed.

"Maybe. If he had one, but he doesn't date. Naturally I asked him about it a while back. He claims that women are a distraction he can't afford. Those were his exact words. I guess he's too focused on school and his music for a relationship. I've never seen him with anyone in the two years that I've known him."

"Oh." I said. I wasn't sure what to make of that. I was contrarily relieved and disappointed.

"He's a good guy though. Jasper likes him. He's been trying to get Edward to join the fraternity but he won't budge. Like I said. He's an incredibly focused individual. Maybe he just needs the right girl disrupt his concentration for a bit." She suggests impishly, nudging my arm with hers.

"Yeah right. An entire team of fashion experts couldn't make me attractive enough to catch his attention." I reply sarcastically.

"We shall see Bella, we shall see."

* * *

My Monday classes are always stressful. I think it's a mind over matter thing. I just hate Mondays, plain and simple.

To de-stress I like to take partake of my favorite hobby. Cooking. Its something I've enjoyed doing ever since I was a kid. It's the one place I feel truly confident and creative. I like to think of it as therapy for the soul, and you get to eat it. A win situation all around.

Today I was in the mood for comfort food. So I raided the pantry but there was little in there beside canned Spaghetti O's, cereal and Hamburger Helper.

_A trip to the store it is. _

After making sure I had my wallet and grabbing my iPod off the dresser, I walk down to St. Charles Avenue humming along with Kim Carnes' _Bette Davis Eyes_. It was a hot, overcast afternoon with a warm humid breeze coming in from the north. It looked like the city would be due for some rain this evening. I smiled. Rain would fit my mood nicely.

I hated to let my thoughts wander because as of late, they'd been wandering in one specific direction. I thought back to what Alice had said yesterday. Edward Cullen was intense, focused and not interest in women.

When thought in that context I wondered if he could possibly be… gay. Then I instantly shoved that conclusion away. The universe was not that cruel. No, he was just focused like Alice said. Which explained so much now that I thought back on it.

It was obvious that music was his source of passion. I'd heard him play the cello and the piano- I'm assuming he's got a keyboard in his room- and every time it sweeps me away. There's no other way to describe what his music makes me feel. Its as if he's communicating without words, using the most basic form of self expression. His feelings.

His music is a facet of himself. Intense and deep. Too many layers to dissect easily, if it could be picked apart at all. I find both aspects of Edward Cullen far too alluring.

I am at the same single-minded point in my life. Getting my English degree is my primary goal. I'm not here to meet boys and party hop. I didn't come to college looking for those kind of distractions because my course load should have been distraction enough. Edward Cullen should be the last thing occupying my thoughts.

So why was nothing going like it should? Why did his brilliant green eyes have the ability to make me tongue tied? Why, when I obviously knew there was no point, was I so intrigued to get to know him better? And why the hell did I actually want him to smile at me? Not his arrogant lip quirk thingy but a real honest-to-goodness smile that had meaning behind it.

Frankly I wondered if he had ever smiled a day in his life.

Okay that was silly. Of course he was capable of smiling and showing some form of happiness. It was just that Edward Cullen was so aloof, so distant in all the times that I'd spoken to him that he may as well be made out of stone. And that made me wonder what could have happened to him that would require such impenetrable emotional defenses.

I was probably reading way too much into his apathy. It was more than likely he was bored and disillusioned and not really interested in exchanging awkward small talk with a freak like me.

So why was he the one engaging the small talk?

_Grrr. Get a grip! Get a life! Forget Cullen for five fucking minutes!_

I pull myself back to awareness part way into the next song on my play list, Procol Harem's _Whiter Shade of Pale_, when I realized that I should have reached the main thoroughfare a block back. I glance behind me and really want to kick myself. Obviously I've been going in the wrong direction. I'm heading toward Tulane's campus.

As I start to turn around, I heard someone call my name.

"Bella! Bella wait up!"

I grin, surprised to see Mike Newton, a fellow freshman from my math class. I wave and wait for him to catch up with me. It seems he's going in the same direction I was.

"Hey Mike."

He falls into stride beside me flashing me a winning smile. "So where you headed?" He asks.

"I was trying to find St. Charles street." I reply.

He laughs. "Sorry. It's the other way."

"Yeah I kind of figured that. I didn't think it was this far down." I start walking again. "Where are you going?"

"The Mushroom." He said matter-of-factly.

"Er… the mushroom? What the heck is the mushroom?"

He laughs at my bewildered tone, his blue eyes crinkling in the corners. "It's this funky little music store right up the street. They've got everything from t-shirts to old vinyl records. Come check it out."

It's not the grocery store I was looking for but… what the hell? I like Mike. He's a real sweetheart and I could use a dose of his cheerful company. "Okay."

I follow Mike and listen as he chatters away about music and then his classes. He is a natural talker, somebody who feels comfortable monopolizing the conversation. That is fine with me. I much prefer to listen anyway.

Mike slows his pace as we reach the next corner. To my right is a faded maroon building. The bottom level is a small coffee shop with a black awning. To the right side of the building is an open door leading to a staircase. Judging from the trendy graffiti-like artwork that covers this little nook of the building, I figure its safe to head toward the stairs.

I let Mike go first as I am painfully slow going up. The steps are rather steep and the stairwell is very narrow. I grip the single railing firmly. Once I reach the landing I realize that every inch of wall and ceiling space was tacked with stickers of band names and emblems. It was clear some had been in place for a very long time. Its eclectic but I like it.

I followed Mike into the store and smile despite myself. Its like walking into someone's cluttered attic. I look around taking in a scene that is so disorganized I wonder how its possible to find anything.

"Eddy! My Man! What's happening?"

I turn to the sound of Mike's cheerful greeting and become rooted to the spot.

_You have seriously got to be kidding me. _

I blink. And blink again. But nope, that really is green eyes shaking Mike's hand with his little smile-that-isn't-a-smile.

Was there any where I could go that would not lead me right back to Edward Cullen?

* * *

A.N. - So we see a bit more of Edward Cullen. Can't blame Bella for being intrigued eh? Who wouldn't be?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Reviews would be nice too, lol.


	3. Words Like Rain

Longing to Breathe

By Lara

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. However I do like to borrow Stephenie's imaginary friends and play with them too. (especially Jasper)

A.N. - This is an AU fic where all characters are human. I'm giving fair warning now that in later chapters this story will contain language and mature themes: sexual situations, suicide, drug use, violence and some major angst in specific scenes. Despite that this isn't going to be a total depression trip but you should read at your own discretion.

* * *

I try to shake off the silly reaction that I have to Edward Cullen getting slightly miffed with myself. So what if he's only the cutest guy I've ever laid eyes on. I can retain my dignity. I will retain my dignity.

I step forward and nearly trip over my own foot. My hips pulls and I wince. My cheeks flame scarlet and Edward's lips quirk higher, a smidgen closer to an actual smile as he released Mike's hand and turns to me.

"Hello Bella."

My heart kicks into overdrive as the sound of my name rolls of his tongue like velvet. That's the first time he's ever said my name, I'm certain.

"Uh… hey."

Smooth. Real smooth.

Mike saves me from making a further fool of myself by talking to Edward again.

"You know Bella?"

Edward is still looking at me as he answers. "Yeah. She's my new housemate."

Did I just imagine a note of superiority in his tone? Okay, this is Edward so yes I probably did.

Mike frowns slightly. "Sure is a small world."

Did I imagine a note of disappointment in Mike's?

I break eye contact with Edward before my lungs explode. Its one thing to ogle green eyes. Its totally another to faint dead away. If I think Edward has an insufferable ego now…

"So dude did my CD come in?" Mike asks.

"Give me second and I'll check." Edward replies, moving behind the counter a few feet away.

I pause at that. I didn't know Edward worked here. I tuck that little bit of information away for later as I look around once more. On the class counter to the left is an entire array of incense. Curiously I walk over to investigate and Mike follows.

"You like incense Bella?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I've never used the stuff."

Mike's arm brushes against mine as leans over and reaches for a stick from the dozen open canisters resting on a makeshift wooden display.

"This one is strawberry." He says, giving a sniff before running it under my nose.

The scent is pungent smelling faintly of strawberry but more heavily of resin. Its exotic and not all together unpleasant. I grin. "Nice."

Mike chuckles. "Sorry, I smudged your cheek." Before I can reach up to brush at it he raises his fingers to do it himself.

Just before his fingers make contact Edward says to Mike, "Here's your CD."

Edward's voice startles me almost as much as Mike's unexpected play. I take a quick step away from Mike. My cheeks are not flaming, they are scorched. So I brush at my face hoping I got the smudge and focus on the incense. I read the label Dragon's Blood and experimentally give it a sniff. No too musky. I try another one, Jasmine. Not bad.

"They're twenty sticks for a dollar. Feel free to mix and match." Edward tells me as he hands Mike his change. His glittering greens pierce me as he looks my way. "Try the Fairy Dust. You'll like that one."

I find the jar labeled Fairy Dust and realize my hands are shaking as I pull a stick free. He's right, I like it. A little hint of floral like the Jasmine but with a touch of musk. I look back at Edward and smile. "You're right. I do like that one."

His tone is unapologetically smug as he replies, "I know. That's why I suggested it."

I'm torn between laughing and chucking the incense stick at him.

Mike comes back next to me and proceeds to show me other choices. The entire time I know Edward is watching me, I can feel it. I don't dare look at him, my face can only take so much blushing for one day. Still I'm more aware of Edward at the other end of the counter than I am of Mike who is right beside me.

Mike is in the middle of sorting through boxes of cone incense when his cell phone rings. From his side of the conversation I get the gist that he's late for something. I'm actually relieved that he has to go.

"I gotta jet Bella. Do you want me to walk you home?" He asks and I can tell he's hoping for a yes.

"No that's alright. You go ahead. I know how to get back from here."

His smile dims a bit but he remains amiable. "Okay. I'll see you in class tomorrow." He nods to Edward as he makes for the exit. "Later dude."

Before I can start to feel too awkward I look around once more and this time I spy the record bins all along the wall to my left. I wander over fairly amazed at the extensive selection. Glancing through several titles I realize there are many I've never heard of before.

I don't hear Edward move from behind the counter. I almost flinch as he comes up beside me. His arm doesn't brush mine. He affords me more personal space than Mike did. I refuse to admit I'm slightly disappointed.

"Are you looking for anything in particular?" He asks, his honey voice making my skin tingle.

"Not really. You never said you worked in a music store." I comment striving for nonchalance and strictly keeping my eyes on the records in front of me.

I can hear the would be smirk in his voice. "You never asked."

"Ah, but its seems like when I ask the questions you can't get away fast enough." I counter, my tone chiding.

As soon as the words are out of my mouth my face is an inferno. Where did that brazenness come from? Geez, Edward is making me lose my mind.

He turns to lean against the record bin, folding his arms across his chest. "Hardly. You can ask me anything you want." He replies easily.

I can't help it, I glance at him. His copper hair is unkempt and there's a few days worth of bronze stubble on jaw. The dark circles remain under his eyes as they fairly glitter against his cream toned skin. The conversation with Alice pops back into my mind and for the first time I really take note of what he's wearing. His t-shirt is black with white writing on the front that I can't make out because his arms are in the way. His jeans are dark blue but faded from the wash. His black boots are thick soled and scuffed.

My gaze moves back up to Edward's face and I realize he knows I was checking him out.

"Uh…" I stammer, turning plum as I drop my eyes down to the records again.

"I believe you were going to ask me a question." He chuckles dryly.

_Arrogant, obnoxious, gorgeous, bastard._

"Right," I swallow hard and try again. "So… you're uh… a full time student and you're working? Must be exhausting."

"It's not unmanageable. I have a photographic memory. I don't have to study as much as you think. I retain… a lot." There's an odd note to his tone as he says this.

I mutter out loud, "Lucky bastard."

He chuckles again. "I'm also an insomniac with no social life. Working keeps me occupied."

"What's your major?" I ask curious to see how many questions he will answer.

"Music. Of course."

I shake my head at my own imperceptivity. "Of course."

Before I can ask another question, two girls walk in. They look like the sorority type, tastefully dyed bond hair styled in purposely messy ponytails, spaghetti strap tank tops and shorts that accentuate their mile long, perfectly tanned legs.

My self esteem nose dives down to my toes.

The girls walk over to the other side of the store where there are wall to wall shelves of CD's. I keep flipping through the records though I can't remember a single one I've looked at in the last five minutes.

Peering up at Edward, I am more than a little surprised to find him watching me intently. I thought for sure he would take the chance to admire the much better view across the store. My cheeks fuse pink and his lips quirk. I barely notice him gesture toward my iPod.

"I'm curious. What music is on your play list?" Edward asks softly, his voice dropping an octave.

I wonder if he does that on purpose just to make my knees weak. I will myself not to blush over the idiotic thought. I hand him my iPod to let him scroll through the play list himself.

After a moment he laughs incredulously. "Chumbawumba and Culture Club? Interesting preference." He arrows down through a few more songs and says approvingly, "Ah, Pearl Jam and Breaking Benjamin. You have redeemed yourself."

My eyes widen at his audacity. "I wasn't aware this was a test. But please enlighten me. What music do you listen to?"

That lovely little crease forms in his brow as he says, "My choices change as often as my moods. Right now it would be jazz or blues. In fact Sinatra's One for the Road would be prefect." He admits, mentioning one I have on my iPod.

I tug the ear buds from around my neck and hand them to him. "Be my guest."

I find it kind of weird that I'm perfectly content to stand here like this with Edward. We're not flirting or anything remotely like that. But we're not really friends either. It is so convoluted to me. I can't read him. He's like ice. And yet he makes me tremble in ways no guy ever has.

That's how we spend the next hour, trading questions in between songs on my iPod, until a short girl with curly brown hair comes bouncing into the store. Her hair and t-shirt is wet so it's safe to say the rain has arrived. She sees Edward and gives him an apologetic smile.

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic is a madhouse out there. And don't get me started on the rain." She says as she goes behind the counter with her purse.

Edward waves his hand as if to dismiss her apology. "No problem Jessica."

I notice his long, slim fingers. The tapered fingers of a musician.

He starts to hand me back my iPod but stops and smirks. "I'll hold on to this if you don't mind. I'll be right back."

Five minutes later he returns with a navy blue backpack slung over his left shoulder. He cocks his head with a contemplative expression settling on his perfectly sculpted face. "My shift is over. I'm heading back to the house. Would you like to accompany me?"

I don't hesitate. "Sure."

Edward holds the door open motioning for me to go head. "Ladies first."

Going down the narrow staircase is easier than going up but I'm still extremely self conscious that he wants me to go first. I try to go down as quickly as possible but I know my pace is still slow. The ache in my hip sends shooting little pains down into my thigh with every step.

We pause in the alcove watching the rain pound against the concrete. The rain is clearly not going to let up and it's a three block walk to the house. I wrinkle my nose in the anticipation of a good drenching.

"Well we're not made of sugar." I say sardonically. "Let's go." My only consolation is that at least I'm not wearing a white shirt.

As I step past Edward his hand brushes against mine. It's accidental, an innocent caress that I feel throughout my entire body. Goose bumps rise along my arms and a flush of warmth spreads to my stomach. My palm tingles with little sparks where we touched. Reflexively my breath hitches in my chest sounding like a soft gasp.

I don't dare look at Edward. I'm embarrassed beyond belief. I rush out into the rain and turn my face toward the falling drops. The rain is cool against my heated cheeks. Rain is something familiar. It's comforting. I smile slightly.

"You like the rain." He comments with certainty as if he already knows the answer.

"Yes and no." I admit. "I'm from the pacific north west where it rains three hundred plus days a year. I'm not crazy about the wet but the rain does remind me of home." I say finally daring to glance at his handsome face.

Edward's lips are curved in the closest thing to a smile I've seen yet. "Where in the pacific north west?"

I grimace. "Forks Washington. You've probably never heard of it. It's a tiny place, I mean really tiny. It's a few hours from Seattle."

"Oh." He nods. "I've been to Seattle once, many years ago. I was too young to enjoy the trip at the time. I wouldn't mind visiting there again one day."

I like his voice. Its soft and husky like warm gooey honey. It sounds nice against the backdrop of the falling rain and the cars passing by in the slick street. I want to hear him speak more so I ask, "Where are you from? You don't talk like the people from New Orleans."

Edward shakes his head, the rain trailing rivulets down his temple. "I'm from Chicago actually. I've always loved the musical history of New Orleans, like I said before, I have a thing for jazz and blues. College was my chance to experience it for myself."

Absently he rakes a hand though his dripping hair and I notice he's wearing a black leather bracer on his left wrist. On the front is an insignia or maybe a family crest. I wonder if its some sort of musician thing.

This time Edward volleys the question into my court. "What prompted you to travel this far south?"

"I was sick of the rain." I say with a laugh, considering the irony that he should ask now.

He glances up into the falling rain at the deep grey sky and chuckles. "So you traded cold and rainy for hot and rainy. Some bargain."

I shrug. "I don't mind the heat. I spent most of my childhood living in Arizona."

Edward was about to respond to that when Murphy and his ridiculous law go into effect. I step down off the curb and my foot finds the one patch of slick concrete where the sole of my sneaker gets no purchase. My foot literally slides out from under me and I'm about to go sprawling into the street. The only thing that stops me is Edward. He catches me from behind with one arm around my waist and the other across my chest.

Edward is successful in breaking my fall but his left hand is right on my boob.

I know the instant he realizes that because he tenses as if expecting a physical blow or something and hauls me back to my feet instantly. Then he steps away so quickly I have to concentrate to keep my balance. I know my cheeks are hot and I am completely embarrassed but I kind of feel bad for Edward. He looks positively stricken.

"I am so sorry." He apologizes sincerely, without a trace of his usual cockiness. "I honestly did not mean for my hand to end up… there. I would not take advantage of you that way." There's a definite edge of self derision to his words.

It's all so absurd that I can't help but laugh. Here I am standing in the pouring rain with the most gorgeous guy I have ever laid eyes on and not only have I humiliated myself in front him countless times but because of my terminal klutziness but now I have possibly scarred him from wanting to touch a woman ever again. This could only happen to me.

"Bella are you alright?" He's stern, not finding anything amusing about this. He looks perplexed or maybe worried. He probably thinks I've lost my mind.

Funny thing is I think I may have too.

I take a deep breath but still find myself chuckling. "Come on Edward. You don't find this the least bit ridiculously funny?" I ask, past the point of feeling awkward or even apologetic.

"Bella I…" The lovely crease is back in his brow as eyes me warily. "You're not… angry?"

"It was an accident. I am a walking accident waiting to happen. Haven't you noticed yet? Why would I be mad at you?"

I see the stiff set of Edward's shoulders relax slightly and his expression softens a little. "That wasn't appropriate behavior on my part." He insists with rain dripping into his pretty eyes.

"Oh well by all means next time you have my express permission to let me hit the ground face first. How's that?" I grin.

The hint of his smirk is back. "You know I wouldn't do that, even with your permission."

"You're right because you're a gentleman Edward. And I'd like to think that you're my friend. And quite frankly I'm tired of making an ass out myself in front of you so what do you say we forget this whole thing happened, go home and order pizza because right now I'm starving." I offer.

Edward looks at me for a long moment and that's when it happens, his lips curl up on one side, not in his usual smirk but an actual smile. It lifts the severity of his whole countenance and even his eyes seem lighter.

If he'd have sucker punched me it would have left me in less of a daze. I think I smiled back.

"I'd like that Bella." Edward says softly. "I'd like that very much."

* * *

A.N. - They should create a new shade of red called Bella. It's fun making her squirm in embarrassment. And I'll tell you a little secret… Edward thinks it's cute.

So we finally get to see some real interaction between the two of them. If you like this then next chapter you get a nice treat too cuz there's a little more ExB bonding. But I will warn you this story will be kind of slow. Their relationship is going take time to build because when I say these crazy kids have issues, they **really** have issues…

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm a review whore so be nice and stroke my ego, lol.


	4. Intoxicated

Longing to Breathe

By Lara

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. However I do like to borrow Stephenie's imaginary friends and play with them too. (especially Jasper)

A.N. - This is an AU fic where all characters are human. I'm giving fair warning now that in later chapters this story will contain language and mature themes: sexual situations, suicide, drug use, violence and some major angst in specific scenes. Despite that this isn't going to be a total depression trip but you should read at your own discretion.

* * *

Sometimes I have nightmares.

Tonight it's my choked scream that wakes me. And for one horribly long moment the line between dreams and reality is too blurred for me to catch my breath. My heart is pounding with pure adrenaline and my stomach is twisted in a viscous knot of dread. I can still taste the metallic flavor of blood in my mouth, a phantom coil of the dream still holding me ensnared.

And slowly, painfully slowly, the sheer terror releases me. My heartbeat steadies, my stomach unclenches and even the taste of blood fades. I don't even try to recall what I dreamt. I already know. I remember bits and pieces of the accident. On nights like this my mind is accommodating enough to fill in the merciful blanks in my dreams.

I sit up in my bed and wrap my arms around my stomach. It's trembling shakily. In the semi darkness I can't stop my mind from replaying the spotty things I can recall.

The ear-splitting groan of buckling metal.

The sting of flying glass cutting my skin.

The blood; in my eyes, my mouth and all over my white shirt.

I don't even realize that I'm crying until I feel a tear splash against my hand. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath. I can't think about the accident and not be overcome by the greatest loss of all, my best friend Jacob Black.

I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was in the hospital plugged with tubes and connected to machines barely holding my own. I never got the chance to say goodbye.

To this day that is what hurts the most. Not the five surgeries I had to undergo just to be able to keep my right leg, not the months I spent in grueling physical therapy relearning to walk… not even the constant reminders that remain with me every time I look in the mirror. All of that is nothing when I think about Jacob.

He was bright and funny and the sweetest person in whole world. He was only sixteen years old.

I hunch over pulling my knees up to my chest. The pressure in my hip sharpens into a dull throb but I don't care. I know I won't be going back to sleep tonight.

Very lightly someone knocks on my door. The voice is muffled but I think it's Edward. He sounds concerned. "Bella?"

I scrub the tears from eyes and hope I can get enough volume in my voice without it cracking. "Yeah. Come in."

The door creaks open slowly spilling a soft arc of light onto the beige carpet. Edward peers his head into the room hesitantly, his silhouette is completely black against the illumination behind him.

"I don't mean to bother you." He says sounding slightly contrite "I thought I heard something? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah." I manage but my voice is thick and wavering. I swallow hard against the lump of tears burning my throat. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

As if against his better judgment, Edward pushes the door open further and takes a hesitant step into my bedroom. The hall light brightens the room enough that I know he can see my splotchy face. He turns just slightly and I can see his profile.

Edward waves off my apology with a wane smile. "You didn't. Insomniac remember." He points to his head and rolls his index finger in the universal sign for crazy, but his attempt at joking is halfhearted. I can see he's worried. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just peachy." I take a deep breath and smile, though its tight and uncomfortable.

"You don't look fine." Edward insist stubbornly. He watches me contemplatively for a moment, raking a hand through his unkempt hair. Then he jerks his head toward the door. "Come on. I'll make us some tea. I find it helps me calm down when I'm edgy."

He's being incredibly nice and has been ever since that day I stumbled upon him at the Mushroom. I'm glad we have become friends. I smile and this time it feels a little more natural. "Okay. I'll be there in a minute."

I drag myself out of the bed and limp my way the bathroom. Seeing my reflection in the mirror, I flinch. Edward is right, I look like shit. I splash some cold water on my face and readjust my scrunchie. Once I'm as composed as I'm going to get, I head to the kitchen.

Edward is standing by the sink filling two coffee mugs with tap water. I take a seat at the table as he moves over to the microwave. It suddenly strikes me that Edward is wearing shorts. I remember what Alice had said about him being on the conservative side and smile a little to myself. They're the school issued athletic shorts, green with the Tulane Greenwave emblem written in white. I've seen many students wearing them around campus. I just never pictured Edward wearing them. Or walking around the house barefoot either.

_Its 3:15 in the morning idiot. He was probably about to go to bed._

I find myself staring at his toes. They're kind of cute.

By the time Edward hands me my steaming mug with a steeping tea bag, I'm not feeling quite so horrible. My stomach's not quivering any more and I don't feel like I'll start sobbing uncontrollably if I try to talk. This time when I look up at my unconventional housemate my heart gives a sharp tug.

"Thanks." I say, referring to more than just the tea. I think he gets it. He smiles as he sits down next to me.

Edward doesn't say anything at first, just keeps dunking his tea bag into the hot water absently until his curiosity gets the best of him. "You want to talk about it?" He offers, not looking up from his tea.

"Not particularly." I respond dryly, cradling my hands around the hot mug and letting the warmth seep into me. Its hard enough to live with the memories. I don't think I could take Edward's pity along with that. But I don't blame him for being inquisitive. I'm sure the screaming and the crying have him wondering what kind of nutcase he's sleeping in the same house with.

His glittering green eyes slant my way. "Sometimes talking about a problem can help put it in perspective. Might do you good, never know."

I take a sip of tea and the hot liquid scalds my tongue. I can't come up with an argument to discredit his reasoning so I get a little snarky. "You're a shrink too. Wow, I'm impressed."

Edward looks back at his tea and I regret saying it instantly. I'm not trying to be a bitch. He catches me off guard when he chuckles.

"Me? A psychologist? That's funny." The self derisive tone is back in his voice. "I've known a few though. I find the concept extremely ironic. They earn a living sorting and solving your problems so they don't have to focus on their own."

I read between the lines of Edward's opinion and realize that I'm not the only one looking for distractions at odd hours. I have to let him know I've caught on.

"You just gave yourself away." I tease, taking another sip of tea. "I know an ulterior motive when I hear one."

Edward's smile comes creeping back as his eyes shift to mine. "I did, didn't I? You're very perceptive."

I shrug. "Not usually."

"You seem to read me well enough." Edward admits.

I don't know how to respond to that and Edward makes no effort to elaborate so we fall into a comfortable silence and drink our tea. I try to be nonchalant and watch him from under my lashes. His brow is creased in that familiar way as he stares pensively into his mug. I want to reach out and smooth it away. I but I don't dare. I force my gaze away from his face so that he doesn't feel me staring.

"So…?" I search for something to say but my mind is being a lame ass-monkey and drawing a complete blank.

Edward smiles. "So?"

Suddenly something comes to mind and I blurt it out.

"Uh… are you going to Phi Gamma Delta party this weekend?" I ask and then promptly curse myself a fool because it could be taken as a come-on and my face turns as red as a tomato.

If Edward notices he mercifully makes no comment. He listlessly shrugs his left shoulder and makes a slightly disgruntled face. "I haven't decided yet. Alice and Jasper keep bringing it up but I'm not really sure." He pauses, his gaze zeroing in on my scorched face. "Are you going?"

"I think I have to. Alice won't take no for an answer. I was just hoping I would know some people there. I think Ben is taking Angela. Did you know, he finally asked her out?"

"I figured Ben was sweet on her. She's all he talks about." Edward says, grinning.

"Angela said I could go with them but I hate being the third wheel." I admit, frowning. If I knew more people here it wouldn't be so bad. I know I'm only going to feel awkward and miserable if I have to sit by myself in a corner all night. I wonder what reasons green eyes has for not liking parties.

Edward runs a hand through his hair and looks at me somewhat uncomfortably, like he knows he's going to regret what he's about to say. "I'll make a deal with you Bella. If you go to the party I'll go too. Maybe we can keep each other from getting too bored." He says looking back down at the table, his shoulders tensed and his brow creased.

It takes me a minute to register that. Then I blush. "Really? You wouldn't mind?"

He laughs softly, relaxing slightly. "I wouldn't have offered if it was a problem."

I like his laugh. There's a rich quality to it that warms my heart and makes me smile in return. It sort of infectious in its own way.

"Thank you Edward." I say, reaching over and placing my hand on his forearm. "This is so cool of you. Now I won't feel like an idiot surrounded by complete strangers." Edward's looking at my hand with an odd expression and I pull it back quickly, blushing furiously.

Edward rakes and hand through his hair again leaving his copper locks in wild disarray. "Its alright Bella, really. I enjoy your company. You're an easy person to be around." He confesses, looking as if he's said too much.

I flush with pleasure at the compliment as my heart increases its rhythm. Its absurd how his simple words make me feel, like I've been spinning in circles really fast. And its pure madness that I don't try to make this feeling go away. I'm getting far too attached to Edward. I'm not sure what I'm doing. It scares the hell out of me.

"Well… its late." I say, trying to find a diplomatic way to escape from his influencing presence. "I really appreciate you babysitting me… and for the tea. I feel much… better now." I suck at lying but I need some space to think. "Goodnight Edward."

As I get up I reach for my mug intending to bring it over to the sink but Edward stops me by placing his hand on mine. My heart slams against my ribs and I forget to breathe. The warmth of his skin is so acute that it burns me, in a good way. Damn my traitorous body because I can't make myself pull away.

"Leave it. I'll take care of the mess. Go get some sleep."

"Yeah… sleep." I repeat dumbly. Edward moves his hand and my brain kicks back into gear. "Right… uh… thanks again." I mumble.

I can feel his eyes on me as I beat a hasty retreat.

* * *

Angela and I are sitting on Alice's bed as she applies the finishing touches to her makeup. Angela has been filling us in on her progress with Ben and their first date.

"He's so shy sometimes." She laughs. "He can act on stage in front of a hundred people without breaking a sweat but getting him to kiss me after our date was like pulling teeth. And I'm not forward either so I sort of stood there outside by bedroom door and tried to give him a seductive look- which I have no idea how to do by the way- and waited. It took him forever but finally he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek."

Alice makes a face. "That's it. A kiss on the cheek?"

"Well…" Angela's cheeks turn pink. "I kind of turned my head as he pulled away and kissed him on the lips."

I applaud. "Good girl! Show him how its done."

Angela giggles. "I was so surprised at myself that stammered out goodnight and ran into my room. I'm a total dork."

"But he's taking you the party tonight so you did something right." Alice affirms, giving her black hair one final fluff before facing us. "How do I look?"

Alice looks positively fetching in her skin tight burgundy dress that's casual but still manages to make her look like a miniature runway model.

"Fabulous darling." I laugh, imitating the snotty tone most of the girls on campus have.

"Great as always." Angela agrees.

Alice eyes me. "Are you sure you want to wear that?"

I look down at my white eyelet shirt and my faded blue jeans. The shirt is scoop necked and daringly low cut for me. It's vintage, circa the seventies. I came across it at the thrift store. I think it's cute.

Giving Alice a sour look, I ask, "What's wrong with what I've got on?"

"You look like you're going to summer camp, not a frat party." She sighs wearily. "Why won't you wear the clothes I bought you?"

"I will but not tonight. I'm nervous enough as it is. This is my first time doing the college crowd thing, you know."

It's true. This will be the first thing I've done besides hang out with my housemates. I don't usually leave the house except to go to class or the library. I don't count when Alice drags me out on shopping expeditions. That's not being sociable, that's cleverly disguised torture.

"That's not the way to get Edward's attention." Alice's sings childishly.

Ugh! I should never have told her about the deal Edward and I made. She had started reading more into it almost immediately.

"We're not going together." I say, stressing the 'together' part. "He just said that he would go if I did so we'd each have someone to talk to. That's hardly a date or anything remotely close."

Alice and Angela share a look that clearly says they don't believe a word of that.

"It's not a date." I insist. "Edward's going to meet me there when he gets off work. That's why I'm going with you and Ben." I remind Angela just in case the match-maker bug caused her to forget.

Alice rolls her eyes dramatically.

"But Bella there's one little factor that you're overlooking. Edward's not a freshman. He knows quite a lot people here and he won't have a shortage of friends and acquaintances to interact with." Alice says smugly. "Don't you see? That was clearly an excuse to be with you."

And damn it to hell if my heart doesn't splutter into a frenzied pace as that little bit of information sinks in.

Of course it never occurred to me, but Alice has a very good point. Edward already has two years under his belt of getting to know his fellow students. He works in a music store also frequented by Tulane students. Obviously he would know enough people to attend the party and mingle easily. So did that mean what Alice said was possible? Was this an excuse to hang out with me?

An hour later I'm still wondering about that as I walk with Angela and Ben to where the party is going down a few blocks away. I can hear the steady thumping base pulsing in time with the dance beat way before we actually arrive at the house. The entire front lawn is spilling with people, most holding plastic cups and chatting. Everyone seems at ease, some smiling and some flirting, but all looking as if they belong right where they are.

It's like a scene right out of a movie.

It doesn't take me long to realize that I'm not in my element. This why I don't do the whole party thing. I always feel silly, like I don't quite fit in. And I'm not crazy about large crowds of people, especially intoxicated undergrads chugging alcohol like there's some kind of award for stupidity and a god complex.

I follow Angela, picking my way carefully through the mass of bodies. It's even more claustrophobic as we enter the house. I grit my teeth against the ache in my hip as I keep twisting myself to squeeze between people. A young man bumps into me, his beer sloshing over the rim of his cup. "Sorry baby. Didn't see you there." He says with inebriated friendliness. He pats my ass and turns his attention to someone over my shoulder, shouting out a greeting.

_How did you get talked into this shit Bella? Next time you're going to be a bitch and say no._

That moment of distraction was all it took for me to lose sight of Angela and Ben in the crush of bodies. I maneuver into the hall but there's no sign of them. But I do notice a pair of French doors leading out to the backyard. I duck through them and breathe a sigh of relief since there is a little more room to move outside. That's when Alice spots me.

"Bella! Over here!"

She holds out her hand in silent invitation for me to join the small group she standing with. I know Jasper, he and I hit it off pretty well the handful of times he's hung out at the house. He always puts me at ease. However, I don't recognize the gorgeous blond supermodel standing next to Alice or the really big bear of a guy standing beside them. Blondie intimidates me instantly.

"Bella come here. I want to introduce you to my friends." Alice gushes, pulling me to her side and looping her little arm trough mine. "Guys this is Bella, my insanely awesome housemate. Bella this is Jasper's sister Rosalie and her fiancé Emmett."

"Hi. Nice to meet you." I say going for a bright smile but probably failing miserably.

The blond, Rosalie, smiles politely.

Her fiancé grins like a madman. "Hey there."

Jasper gives me conspiratorial wink. "I'm breaking the rules right now. See, Rose and Em are grad students at LSU and this fucker is trying to get my ass kicked by wearing that hat." He explains pointing the purple and gold cap Emmett has turned backwards on his head.

"I have to represent dude." Emmett says laughing.

Even though I'm not a sports fan, I am well aware of the rivalry between Tulane and LSU. "You're brave." I tell Emmett with a smile.

"Or crazy. I'm not sure." He jokes.

"I told you not to wear it." Rosalie says, flipping her blond hair over shoulder in a way that's both elegant and disdainful. I notice her southern drawl is a lot less pronounced than Jaspers. She turns her blue eyes on me and grimaces. "I maintain that the male brain ceases progressive development at puberty, wouldn't you agree Bella?"

I nod. "You might be on to something."

For a moment Emmett looks serious. "You know baby, that hurts."

Alice snickers. "The truth hurts."

"Keep it up Shorty." Emmett warns jokingly. I notice his hazel eyes focus on something behind me and he grins widely. "Yo copper top! I didn't think you were coming bro."

From behind me Edward's voice steals my concentration. "I had to work late."

My nerves kick into gear and I try desperately not let it show. Edward joins our little group and I discreetly give him the once over. He's wearing a Slipknot t-shirt, blue jeans and his wrist brace. As usual his hair is messy and his five o'clock shadow is scruffy in a sexy way. I have the strongest urge to rub my fingers over the stubble to see if it feels as good as I imagine. I clench my fists just to be safe and quickly look away, my cheeks flaming.

Rosalie is watching me calculatingly. She doesn't have to say anything, I can tell she knows where my interest lies.

Edward shakes hands with the guys and nods his head to us girls in greeting. He's sporting his lopsided smile as he converses with Jasper and Emmett and its so hard for me not to stare. I could make a hobby of watching him and never lose my fascination. He glances at me, his green eyes glittering, and I look down trying to pay attention to what Alice is saying.

"So how is this semester going?" She asks Rosalie.

"The same. Labs, lectures and more advanced math than any one person should ever have to deal with." Blondie sighs.

"What's your major?" I ask, more to keep my focus off of Edward than because I'm actually interested.

"Pediatrics, specifically Neurology." She answers.

Killer legs and a brain. I didn't feel the need to say much after that.

Since its looking like I might be at the party for a while I excuse myself to get a drink. It takes me a short eternity to make it back inside to the kitchen where the two liters of soda are set up right next to an impressive array of hard liquors. I scoop some ice from the ice chest on the floor and pour myself a plain coke.

I was fully intending to return to my group outside when unexpectedly an arm snakes its way across my shoulders and a slightly slurred voice whispers in my ear.

"Bella, I didn't know you'd be here."

It's Mike and I can smell the beer on his breath.

"Hi Mike. What's up?" I say hoping to make this short and sweet. He leans his weight on me a little apparently needing the added balance. I grimace as my hip smarts.

"I'm so glad you came." He smiles stupidly.

I'm pretty sure my smile is a bit less enthusiastic. "Well, it was cool running into you…" I trail off politely wishing he'd get the massage and let me go.

Unfortunately the alcohol, or maybe its just the blond hair, makes him slow on the uptake and he settles his arm more securely about me efficiently holding me in place by his side. If I try to duck away he'll probably teeter on top of me and knock me down. I'm doing a better job of holding him up than his feet are. My hip is killing me.

"Come with me Bella." He slurs, leading me back into the crush of people. He sniffs me. "Mmm, your hair smells good. Like strawberries."

That makes me uncomfortable but since he's drunk I keep my mouth shut and shuffle along slowly, a little reluctantly and half afraid that if I move too fast he'll do a face plant. If I can find a wall to prop him against then I can possibly make a quick get away. I don't have much experience dealing with plastered people. I mean, with my dad being a small town sheriff I made sure that my friends and I were responsible. It was an expectation not an option.

I don't have any luck with my wall plan when Mike squeezes us into a section of the crowd near the middle of the room. I recognize two faces from my classes but the rest are strangers. I sip my coke while fighting back a smile. They are all like little clones. The same gel spiked hair, the same Gap or Abercrombie clothing and its no different for the girls. They've all got the sorority look going on. I don't bother chiming in the conversation. Instead I try to come up with a new way to ditch Mike.

Every few minutes I try to maneuver a little bit of space between us and just when I think that I can slip free of Mike's arm he pulls me close again and leans on me. After the third time I start to get a little miffed. Drunk or not I don't have to stand here if I don't want to. I really draw the line when he starts petting my hair and sniffs me again.

"Uh… Mike I'll be right back." I lie as I start to shrug off his hold. His grip tightens.

"No you don't. You stay right here with me." He whispers in what I think he thinks is a persuasive tone but it comes out sounding creepy.

"Mike let go." I'm quickly losing all patience.

"Now baby don't be like that." He cajoles sliding his other arm around my waist. His beer comes dangerously close to spilling on me.

_Did he just call me "baby"?_

I glare at him. "I'm serious. Let go!"

He pulls me flush against him and I cringe. One of his drunk friends sees my discomfort and laughs, amused by my distress. But it's the last straw and I about snap when he starts nuzzling my ear. "Don't be a bitch Bella. You know you want it so top playing hard to get."

I turn my face away and shove at him frantically as I ball my fist ready to start swinging if I have to. I know I won't do any damage because I am pathetically weak but maybe I can stun him enough to let me go. More of his loser friends start laughing, though whether at him or at me I can't tell.

From behind me comes a warning that stops Mike in his tracks.

"She said let go Newton. Don't make Bella say it again."

I didn't expect to get help but I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the menacingly soft voice cuts through the snickering. Of course I know the voice. There was only one person I have ever met that can make my skin tingle just by speaking. But I don't dare turn to look at Edward. I yank away from Mike instead and curse when his arm knocks my cup spilling coke all down the left leg of my jeans.

Mike casts a dirty look over my shoulder. "Fuck off Cullen! This is none of your business."

I can practically hear the smirk in Edward's words. "I'm making it my business."

Mike growls, his round face turning red with irrational anger and he reached for me. I stumble back quickly and duck behind Edward, my face flaming with embarrassment. The miscalculated movement almost sends Mike tipping over but one of his friends steadies him. They start snickering again.

"Perhaps you should sober up." Edward suggests patronizingly. Grasping my hand, he looks down at me with a hard grin. "Are you alright?"

I nod, dazed by the anger simmering in his eyes. Its beautiful in a terrible way. I can tell he's making an effort not to act on his impulses. It makes my temper pale in comparison. Edward's fists could do damage, a lot of damage. Suddenly I want to be anywhere but here in this crowded room with these rowdy people.

Edward reads my mind. "Ready to get the hell out of here?"

"Yeah." I breathe.

"Follow me."

As Edward takes my hand I almost want to tell him that I would follow him anywhere.

* * *

A.N. - First of all I am so sorry I killed Jacob off. Please put the pitchforks down. Remember of you kill me I can't finish the rest of the story.

And now Eddy's got Bellie right where he wants her… (cue evil laugh)

Actually this chapter sort of had a mind of its own. But the end result is even better than what I had planned and I've already started with the next chapter. I just had to make Mike a shmuck, sorry to all you Newton fans. And I bet you all saw Ed saving the day. I know, utterly predictable. But he had to find some way to get Bella alone right? Lol. The next chapter is entitled "Too little Too Soon". I'll leave you to think about that until next time.


End file.
